


what else can you do at the end of a love affair?

by danahscott



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Hurt/Comfort, but it's not as bad as it seems, injured!maya, self destructive maya for sure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:27:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24725257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danahscott/pseuds/danahscott
Summary: Maya, after the ski lodge, feels lost when her feelings for Lucas resurface, as they were always going to. She finds ways to drown out the ache that her unrequited feelings have. But if Riley made one mistake, it was this: she shouldn't have made Maya reckless again. They were all going to learn that the hard way. Or, recklessness plus bad feelings equals assured self-destruction.
Relationships: Isaiah "Zay" Babineaux & Maya Hart, Lucas Friar/Maya Hart
Comments: 24
Kudos: 203





	1. Running

**Author's Note:**

> new lucaya fic from me! might be the last one for a while, at least until i get some more inspiration for them. i'm feeling bellamy/clarke really hard right now, as i have been for the last two years, so my focus is currently elsewhere. but this fic is a bit intense at parts, a bit over the top, and probably a tad OOC, but i'd had the idea for such a long time, i figured i might as well share it with what little of the fandom is left :')
> 
> much love to any kudos-givers or commenters. y'all are why i keep this up. updates will come every three days :)

Maya didn't know when she'd become the kind of person who only lived in extremes. Lucas once told Riley she was too much for him. Maya wondered what he thought of her now, now that she was all or nothing. Of course, if she was being honest with herself, he probably didn't think of her at all. And in the end, she must have been too something because he didn't pick her.

Too something or maybe not enough. What did it matter? Whatever she and Lucas had had, it was over. And not just what it had been after Texas, but what it had been before too. Riley thought things could just go back to normal, but she was wrong. Things could never be like that again.

Maya wished she'd never told him how she felt. At least then she could still have him. She could have guessed he would pick Riley. It just hurt so much more to find out. And now here she was: just a little more alone in the world. So she was trying to fill the hole he left. In whatever way possible.

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

It didn't start out so bad. It actually started with Maya taking up running. Not on a team, of course. She didn't want to owe anything to anyone but herself. But when her legs started to burn and her chest got tight and her body was screaming at her to stop, nothing but that pain was real to her anymore. And this kind of pain was immediate and physical and so much easier to carry than the one she usually bore all day.

Only problem was, the track was right next to the baseball field so of course Lucas and Zay were right there practicing every day. It wasn't like she could afford a gym membership and even she wasn't dumb enough to go running in New York at night. She might be reckless, but she didn't have a death wish. It was fine. They didn't bother her, she didn't bother them.

So she was at it again, after school, not long before the season turned and it would be too cold to be outside at all. It was a pretty night too. The sun was dipping below the horizon, tingeing the sky purple and pink and deep navy blue. It made Maya's hands itch for a canvas. She thought that was a good sign, considering today had been so monumentally shitty. She had to watch Riley and Lucas kiss for the first time since seventh grade, just as shy and adorable as it was back then.

Only a lot more painful.

So Maya had been at it for a lot longer than usual and she was really feeling it, which was what she wanted. Everything else was blacked out except the burn. Until she heard soft footsteps jog up behind her.

"Hey, you should slow down."

"I'm fine, Zay," Maya gritted out, sounding a lot less fine than she'd intended to.

"By slow down, I really meant call it a night." Maya didn't respond so Zay kept talking. "Lucas said you were pushing it fifteen minutes ago."

That made Maya stop. "Lucas said that?"

The familiar oh-shit-I-wasn't-supposed-to-say-that look crossed over Zay's face. "No, I thought that to myself. In my head. By myself."

"If he has something to say to me, why doesn't he just come tell me himself?"

Zay softened. "You know why."

That stung. But she was glad to have a friend who was honest with her. At least there was someone else who wasn't pretending that everything would go back to before. It didn't mean she wasn't mad, though. "Why don't you and Heehaw stay on your bench and you can tell him that I decide what my limit is." And then she took off running again before he could say anything else, even faster than before.

The funny thing was, Maya was actually about to stop when Zay approached her. By the time she stopped, she was usually sore and tired enough to let her mind drift to other things. But Zay ripped the wound fresh. She had to keep going. Just for a while longer. Just until she could be sure Lucas' eyes weren't on her.

But after so long running, her legs were weak and shaky and she must have been going too fast because as she was making the turn around the track, she stumbled, fell, and skinned her knee. A bead of blood dripped down toward her ankle. Maya swore under her breath, but since she was otherwise unharmed, she kept running. She was so focused on trying to keep her breathing even and trying to ignore the drops of blood soaking into her sock that the hand on her shoulder almost sent her sprawling again.

"That's enough," the voice said and of course it belonged to Lucas. Of course it did. Maya pulled away from his touch like it had burned her. Lucas frowned, not moving any farther away. "I saw you fall."

Maya laughed and the sound was bitter. "I got up just fine."

"You're bleeding." Maya followed his gaze to her mangled knee which did look pretty bad.

"If you'll get out of my way, I'd like to finish my run."

"You finished half an hour ago," Lucas said, unflinchingly. "What are you trying to prove?"

"Why do you care so much?"

"I would do this for any of my friends."

Friends. Friends. Friends. The word didn't even sound true. Lucas was still talking, something about recklessness and safety, but Maya's ears were ringing and there were white spots in her vision and -

She might throw up.

Or she might pass out.

And she really didn't want Lucas to be here for either of those things. He'd stopped lecturing and started saying what looked like her name. She pitched forward, just a bit. Lucas' arms were around her in a second and Maya hated that it felt so good and so terrible at the same time. Terrible because she realized she'd never have that again unless she half-killed herself, it seemed.

"You're really pale, maybe I should take you to the nurse." His voice was so worried and his eyes were glued to hers and all Maya could wonder was why? Why did he almost kiss her in Texas and why did he pull away? Was it to let her know she could never have him?

"I'm fine," she said sharply. "Just overdid it." There was silence for a moment.

"Do I need to tell Riley about this?"

"If you tell Riley, I'll kill you." Then, a thought occurred to her. She realized how to make him go away. "I am feeling a little lightheaded, though, could you get me some water?"

"Wait right there," he said before immediately turning on his heel and disappearing behind the double doors. Maya could see him jogging through the window. She lingered just a moment longer before making her escape, grabbing her stuff and taking a swig out of the water bottle he'd failed to notice. She felt like she could keel over any second, but she knew her desire not to see Lucas would be enough to get her to the subway.

He called her as she made her way down the steps, but Maya let it go to voicemail. If he was really worried, he'd call again.

Her phone was silent the rest of night.


	2. Driving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maya crashes her car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey friends! here's the next chapter! it gets worse before it gets better, but this is a five part story, so 3 should be the peak of intenseness, and then the final two will give us a nice falling action.
> 
> i said in the note for chapter one that this might be my last lucaya fic for a while, but don't worry, i promise that it's not the last one forever! i still have ideas, i'm just taking a break to focus on fic for another fandom, since it's in its last season. i'm not going anywhere :') there are a few ideas that i still have to write so you won't be seein the last of me xx
> 
> kudos and comments are endlessly appreciated

Maya stopped going running after school. It didn't distract her anymore. Now it was yet another reminder of what would never be hers.

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

Driving, on the other hand, gave Lucas no chance to intercept her. Not that he would, of course. Not that his growing silence wasn't the whole reason she needed to drown everything out. But in her car, alone, she could play her music as loudly as she wanted to. And maybe she drove a little too fast, and maybe she drove past Riley's apartment, Zay's house, Farkle's penthouse, speeding the whole way.

Maybe she wanted someone to see her, see that something was wrong and then do something about it, reach a hand out so she could take it without having to ask first. But no one said anything.

Until she arrived early for lunch, that is. Of course, Lucas was the first one there. It was just like him to show up early for every class, including lunch. And if he hadn't found himself accidentally alone with her, Maya realized later he wouldn't have said anything at all. But very quietly, he said, "I saw you yesterday."

"Well, it was Tuesday, so -"

"No, I was at Zay's house and I saw your car go by."

Maya's eyes flashed up at him, but she steeled herself in an instant. "Okay."

"You were going pretty fast."

"We're in New York, huckleberry. You should get used to bad drivers," she said, hoping she sounded a lot more casual than she felt.

"I think you should be more careful," he said, voice still low. Maya was about to tell him that it didn't really matter to her what he thought she should do when Zay sat down and the conversation abruptly stopped. As if it had never happened.

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

And then Maya got paired with Lucas for a chemistry project and she was so mad at herself for the way her heart fluttered - half excitement, half dread. The excitement was the part she was trying to kill. It was the part that had been there since seventh grade, that wanted to see him, wanted to talk to him, to have him close to her. The dread had been there since seventh grade, too. It was the part that knew it would be torture to want him near and have to push him away.

He'd called her to set up a study time - they'd meet at Topanga's, while everyone else was there. And now, she was driving. Fast. Not past anywhere. Not this time. Her thoughts were loud enough that she drove in silence for the first time in a while. Then, she wondered if music would distract her so she grabbed her phone.

But she didn't slow down as she unlocked it, and when she looked back up, she was swerving - right towards a telephone pole. And there wasn't enough time to redirect. There was barely enough time to slow down. At almost full speed, Maya crashed into the post. The next bits happened very fast, though to Maya, they seemed to take several, tension-riddled hours.

Her phone flew from her hand and smashed across the dashboard just as the airbags deployed, throwing it backwards. At the same moment the airbags went off, hitting Maya full force in the face, the windshield shattered, a shard slicing Maya's arm open. And then the car started tipping - onto the driver's side. Though dazed from the blow to the head, Maya still had the wherewithal to say, "Oh fuck. Shit. Shit shit shit."

But luckily, - maybe it was a merciful wind, maybe just blind chance - the car rediscovered its center of gravity and righted itself with a terrible crash. "Ow," she groaned in the post-accident silence. She was trying to remember what to do. Maybe she hit her head harder than she thought, because she swore she heard a tinny voice calling her name: "Maya!... Maya, say something. Please say something." Maya reached towards the sound, finding her phone flung into the backseat, smashed. She picked it up, still hearing an urgent voice coming out of it. She only had time to be confused about why there was a call in progress before her phone spluttered and died. Great. Calling 911 was the only thing she knew to do.

Her left arm was sticky with blood, but the cut didn't seem too deep. And the dazedness was starting to wear off which meant Maya was starting to realize the amount of trouble she was going to be in for totaling Shawn's car. It also meant she had a splitting headache and the rapping on the window didn't help.

"Hey!" a girl's voice sounded. "Are you okay?"

Maya nodded, opening the car door and getting out. "I'm fine."

The girl frowned. "You're bleeding." Maya shrugged. "Okay, I'm gonna call 911. And an ambulance?"

"I guess," Maya said, clutching her hand to her arm and wincing.

"Do you wanna call your parents first?"

"I don't know the number." Actually, Maya only had one number memorized: Riley's. And it might not be a good idea to call her just yet. Maya loved her, but she wasn't the best in emergencies. So the girl called 911 and Maya zoned out, thinking instead of what she was going to say so Shawn wouldn't stop loving her.

Rationally, she knew that that wouldn't happen, but Maya had learned long ago that it was dangerous to make men angry and that was a hard thing to forget. But when the paramedic asked who they could call, she chose to tell him that in her ruined car was her backpack and in her backpack was her wallet and in her wallet was the card that Shawn had given her that Christmas they had first met. She'd have preferred to call her mom, but this was the number Maya had and she was trying to learn a message about trust.

Still, as she was sitting on the hospital bed, getting her arm stitched up, dread pooled in her stomach when Shawn walked through the door. "I know you're mad," she said before he could say anything. "I'm really sorry, it was really stupid. I'll - I'll try to help pay for the damages -"

"Maya," he cut her off. "I'm not mad."

She paused. "You're not?"

"Of course not. I am just so glad you're okay," he said. And it was only after hearing those words that Maya saw how pale he was, the knit brow, the worry exuding off of every inch of him. Is this what it was like to have a dad?

And when he wrapped his arms around her, she knew that it was.

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

They wanted to keep her overnight. The blow from the airbags gave Maya a mild concussion so the doctors would have to wake her up every few hours and ask her some questions. Shawn had called Katy but she always left her phone off when she was working so he left a voicemail.

Shawn wasn't mad, but he made it clear she was never getting behind the wheel again. "And you're grounded for a week because I think that's what you're supposed to do in these situations." Still, Maya thought he'd let her do one thing. She knew he would, because although he was a husband and a father, he was still, at the core of himself, the best friend of a Matthews.

"Can you call Riley? My phone was smashed."

There was a moment where Maya could tell he was trying to look like the kind of authority figure who'd say no, but he relented far too quickly. The phone rang maybe once before it was quickly answered. "Hey, Riley, Maya's been in an accident, we're at Memorial Hospital -" And then Shawn blinked, surprised, and after a moment, put his phone down.

"You couldn't have put that in a less terrifying way?" Maya tried to joke, but Shawn was still looking at his phone with his brow furrowed. "What?"

"Riley didn't answer. Lucas did. And then he hung up on me."

Maya's stomach sank. She wanted to ask why Lucas answered Riley's phone, why he had to be included in this at all, why life couldn't just give her a fucking break for once, but all that came out was, "He hung up?"

"He just said 'We're on our way' and hung up."

Great. As if this day couldn't get worse. Maya couldn't face Lucas. Not right now. "Okay, I'm gonna take a nap while I wait," she said, and then shut her eyes and wished her restless brain would actually let her get some rest.

Maya couldn't tell how long it was before she heard the frantic footsteps, maybe ten minutes, fifteen tops. She made sure to keep her eyes closed and stay as still as possible so she wouldn't have to talk to him. Lucas' loud voice did no favors to her still throbbing head - her black eye was fully formed by now. "Is she okay?"

"Where's Riley?" That was Shawn's voice.

"I don't know, behind me somewhere. I think she's catching up. Is Maya okay?"

"She's fine."

"She doesn't look fine."

"She's just sleeping. Maybe you should sit down." Maya listened as Lucas sat heavily in the chair closest to her bed. She was feeling all sorts of feelings - too many. Angry that he was here, confused, and worst of all, in some terrible twisted way, a little bit pleased to know that he cared, that he was worried."Lucas, are you okay?"

"She called me," he responded, voice a little shaky.

"What?" Shawn said, mirroring Maya's own thoughts.

"I guess it was an accident, but I picked up and I heard her yelling and then a really loud crash and then there was silence. The line went dead not long after that, and I thought -" He took a deep breath. "I called 911 but I didn't know where she was or her license plate. I went to Riley's because I thought if anyone knew anything it would be her, and when I saw your name on her caller ID… you're sure she's okay?"

"She's okay. Just a concussion and some stitches."

Maya was inwardly cursing herself. How could she be so stupid? And she did feel really stupid. She wished he'd go away. She wished she could sink into the hospital bed and never have to come out. And yet, she wondered what it would be like if she and Lucas were together, if when he came to see her, she wouldn't pretend to be asleep. But then Maya realized that if she and Lucas were together, she wouldn't be in a hospital bed at all. And then she was very very afraid because she realized that maybe she was in deep trouble.

"Peaches!" Her thoughts were interrupted by a voice, her favorite voice, and Maya knew she couldn't pretend to be asleep anymore. Especially because that voice sliced her headache right in two. Maya opened her eyes with a groan. "Are you okay?"

"Peachy," Maya said, laughing a little. Riley half-barrelled into her, treating her to a mouthful of hair. "Careful, Riles, or you'll give me another concussion." Riley just held on tighter, though, and Maya was kind of grateful for it. Sometimes she thought Riley was the only one who knew how to love her.

When Riley finally pulled away, her eyes turned to Lucas. "I told you she was fine."

"She's not fine," Lucas said in a low voice.

Riley ignored him. "I told him if something was really wrong, I'd know. Ring power, right?"

"Right," Maya reassured her. And Riley kept talking but Lucas didn't say anything else for the next half hour.

Once it became clear Maya was doing okay, Riley ran to the gift shop to buy some balloons. And of course, Shawn chose that moment to go to the bathroom. There was a full minute of silence before Lucas broke it with a question. "Did you mean to call me?"

Maya wasn't expecting that question, though maybe she should have been, so she just let out a slightly stunned, "No."

Lucas nodded, trying to hold a gaze with her that was too intense for both of them, because he looked away first. "I don't want to get another phone call like that."

"Okay. Next time I crash my car, I'll call Zay."

"How about next time you don't crash at all?" His answer came too quickly and with too much force, betraying too much. And yes, Maya knew. She knew from what he did at the campfire, what he said on the rooftop, that in the end, it hadn't been one-sided. That on some level, he'd felt what she felt. But his girlfriend was downstairs. And Maya didn't know how all this had gotten so messed up, maybe it was everyone's fault, but she knew Lucas was too good a guy to forget that, even for a second.

What they had, for the little time they had it, was real, and that was why he couldn't even talk to her anymore. They could say they'd still be friends, but they wouldn't be. Not really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me on tumblr @bellamysgriffin. :)


	3. Climbing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When another instance of Maya's recklessness gets out of hand, Lucas gets a little too close for comfort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u all so much for the kind reviews! they really make this fic worth it, especially because there are so few readers anymore. anyway, this is the peak of intensity and then it gets better from here. i hope u like reading this angst as much as i like writing it!
> 
> make sure to let me know what you think!

Maya wasn't exactly proud of what happened next. She would never admit to it, partly because she wouldn't admit to herself the reason behind what she was doing. But the thing was, Maya knew Lucas. She knew he was strong, and that meant he wouldn't talk to her because he was also stupidly moral, and it was the right thing to do. Maya agreed. Anything that hurt Riley had to be wrong. And Maya wanted nothing more than for Riley to be happy and to have someone who would treat her well.

But Maya also knew that Lucas' ignorance of her went out the window whenever he was worried. And maybe Maya needed Lucas to have a reason to talk to her that didn't have to be a secret, that didn't have to be wrong.

It wasn't supposed to get out of hand. Honestly, it would have been perfect if there was another Tombstone to ride. But there wasn't. So she was reckless in little ways, waiting for a hand on her arm, a few words said to her under his breath. And then one day, Zay threw a frisbee into a tree on the field behind the gym. It really shouldn't have gone any farther than that.

"I'll get it," Maya said, sizing up the tree.

"Are you sure?" Zay said, laughing a little, but a little unsure too. "It's pretty high up."

Maya flashed him a grin. "I'm a good climber."

"Maya, really, it's cool," he was saying, but she was already climbing. It took her a bit of effort to get to the first branch - she was a runner, so strong legs, weak arms. But by the time her hand wrapped around the first branch, sturdy and warmed from the sun, it wasn't as much about strength as it was about strategy. The branches got thinner as she went higher. Maya didn't notice that until it was already too late.

Finally, after only about two minutes, but what actually felt like a much shorter amount of time to Maya, she had the frisbee in her grip. She turned, sitting on the branch, and then - making her first mistake - she looked down.

She was higher up than she'd realized. It wasn't just Zay standing under her now. It was all her friends - Smackle, Farkle, Riley, and yes, Lucas. She sent the frisbee sailing down towards them and Lucas caught it with one hand, not taking his eyes off of her. The deepest, most hidden part of her was a little bit happy, but that part was overwhelmed by every other part of her desperately longing to be on the ground with him.

The thing was, ever since she was little, Maya had been kind of scared of heights. Really scared. She wouldn't even touch ladders. And then her dad had left. Well, she'd been scared of that too and it had happened anyway. The fear hadn't done any good. So she stopped letting anything rule her. She didn't stop being scared of heights, she'd just decided to stop caring.

Which was fine until now. She got a wave of lightheadedness, which could have been nothing, or it could have been the result of the rush of fear she got when the branch she was sitting on let out an ominous creak. The only way to get to the ground faster to start climbing down right now. But as soon as Maya shifted, the branch snapped off with a clean break and she was plummeting down. Luckily, the other branches slowed her fall. Unluckily, one of the large ones slowed her down by hitting her square in the back, knocking all the breath out of her. There was all sorts of yelling going on, none of it coming from her, but by the time her hand grabbed the final branch at the last minute, everything was silent.

She dropped to her feet unsteadily, and five faces instantly surrounded her. But she was still trying to catch her breath, and she realized that everything was silent only because all sound was replaced by a fuzzy, ringing noise. The edges of her vision had gone white, and then everything went white, and then black, and then Maya was falling without ever hitting the ground.

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

When she came to, all she could see was Lucas' face looming over hers, backlit by the sun, and for a second it was so beautiful she wanted to cry. And then she remembered what had happened and was so embarrassed she wanted to crawl into a hole and die. She tried sitting up, but Lucas' hand held her shoulder tightly, forcing her to stay with her head to the ground. "Don't move. Do not move. Did you hit your head?" Maya groaned and tried to sit up again, and Lucas' hand stopped her again. "Riley and Farkle have gone to get the nurse," he said.

Maya could see Zay in her peripheral vision, so it was him she decided to address. "Zay, go stop them."

"Don't you dare," Lucas said to him.

"I don't know, Maya -"

"If you don't, I tell everyone about the strawberry incident."

Zay hesitated a moment, but only for a moment before he turned to Lucas and said, "Sorry, man." Then, he and Smackle left, leaving Maya alone on the ground with Lucas.

She shifted, and Lucas, looking really angry now, said, "You're not supposed to move with a head injury."

"I didn't hit my head, I just got the wind knocked out of me." She finally sat up and Lucas finally let her.

"Why won't you at least let the nurse check you out?"

"She'll just point to the bruises I already know I have and call home, and I don't want my mom to worry."

"Well, maybe someone should," Lucas said quietly, daring her to meet his eyes. Maya could never refuse a dare.

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"I don't want you to say anything. I want you to stop doing this crap. This is the third time I've watched you get hurt because you did something reckless. What do you think you getting hurt would've done to the people who care about you?"

The pointed callback to her own words felt like a slap in the face. Maya couldn't believe he'd brought up Texas. They hadn't mentioned Texas since the ski lodge, since before then. It was forbidden, it was sacred, it was the best and the worst weekend of her life and it had ruined them both. The surprise of it left Maya struggling to find her voice. But she found it. "If I recall correctly, you didn't listen to me."

"No, but I should have."

The answer surprised her, maybe because she didn't believe it, so she challenged him. "Yeah, and why's that?"

"Because people should be careful!" Maya could tell the answer came out more forcefully than he intended it to.

"Careful, huckleberry," she murmured. "Don't get angry. Riley will be back soon."

"You know what? I am angry, Maya," he said, though his voice was quieter now. "I get angry when my friends are in trouble and I can't do anything to protect them." All the time Maya had been looking at Lucas, she'd been looking without really seeing. But just now, something shifted in his gaze, her eyes locked with his, and the months melted away like snow against the spring sun. He was Lucas. She was Maya. All the complications were just noise. And by the way his eyes were a little bit shiny, Maya understood that what she'd been doing, though unintentional, was cruel. But even that thought felt far away, because there was something else that was really loud. He cared about her, like he had since seventh grade; it didn't matter in what way. So his voice was steady when he said, "Are you in trouble?"

He was reaching out a hand. And, very quietly, Maya said, "Yes," taking it.

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

Of course, she regretted that later. Later came two days after the incident in the form of a fucking intervention in the cafeteria. Maya had half a mouthful of a chicken sandwich in her mouth when Farkle said, "We're worried about you, Maya."

Her head shot up, eyes searching for Lucas'. But he wasn't looking at her, he was looking down at his hands. Like he was guilty. Like he had done something he shouldn't have. "Why?" Maya said, tearing her eyes away from Lucas before anyone could suspect anything.

"Because," Farkle said, like what he was going to say next was the most obvious thing in the world, "you've been acting like you don't care what happens to you."

"I care," Maya said, instinctively, feeling that it was true. They didn't get it. None of them did. But Maya had a feeling that if she tried to explain, tried to unburden herself, she would be met with confused looks. Concerned, but confused. And it would kill her. So she just tried to brush it off instead. "I'm just not boring like you guys."

But no one laughed. "It's not interesting to be careless," Lucas said quietly, still not meeting her eyes.

"I just said I care." Her voice sounded weak against the five pairs of eyes turned against her and Lucas' soft but steady words pounding in her head. The truth was, whatever was going on with her was the product of too much caring. Sometimes if you made a lot of noise, you could make some things go quiet. Just for a little while. But how could they understand that? How could anyone?

Riley sighed, and finally said, "Maya, you're not acting like yourself."

It was like something in Maya snapped. Those words reminded her of one of the worst weeks of her life so suddenly and violently that it was like a gut punch. Still, her voice was low as she responded, "Are you kidding?"

Riley didn't seem to sense her misstep. "No. You're being reckless."

"I thought we already fixed the 'Maya isn't herself' problem," she said, louder now. Riley blinked, surprised, like she'd forgotten. Maya wished she could forget. "I'm supposed to be reckless, that's who I am. That's what you told me, Riley!" She was yelling now but she could barely register it. "What do you want from me? Who am I supposed to be, then? Just tell me and I'll do it!" She meant for it to come across angrily, but really she just sounded desperate. Maya was horrified to find herself near tears. And when she looked at Riley, Riley's eyes were wide and stunned.

"Maya," she said, barely a whisper, "I didn't -"

"I can't do this." Maya pushed away from the table, leaving the cafeteria at a near run. She messed up, of course. Riley knew something was wrong now and with the help of the others, it wouldn't take long for their concerns to lead to Lucas. And that would ruin everything.

When she heard footsteps behind her, she wanted to scream. And of course, it was Lucas' voice that shouted, "Hey, slow down."

"Why did you follow me? Riley -"

"Riley's the one who sent me out here," he said, unwaveringly. Maya whirled around to face him, knowing it was one of the rare times it didn't feel like a betrayal to do so. "She said that you probably didn't want to see her right now and I was sometimes good at talking you down from the edge."

Maya tried to laugh but it came out hollow and forced. "The edge of what?"

Lucas shrugged, holding her gaze. "You tell me."

"What, are you worried I care so little I'm going to go running off a cliff?"

"Don't do that," he snapped. Maya could see it, the anger in him that was always bubbling safely under the surface, emerging. What was she doing to him? "Don't say that like my concern is not justified. You said you were in trouble."

"So you sic Riley on me?"

"That's always helped you before."

"I said I was in trouble. I didn't ask for help."

This stunned him into a momentary silence. Maya was glad the hallway was empty because he hadn't stood this closely to her and looked at her so intensely since Texas. What the fuck was she doing? His voice came out so quiet and so angry it sent shivers down Maya's spine. "Do you not see how that's worse?"

So maybe she was being mean when she said what she said next. But he didn't know what his words in the cafeteria had shown her: that they were so much farther apart than she'd thought. Because there was a time when he would have known exactly what her problem was and nothing would have stopped him from saying it. So Maya just replied simply, "I see, Lucas. I see that just fine. I just don't care."

Then she turned on her heel and walked away.

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

Maya left school. She had about three and a half hours before Riley would get home and by that time, Maya would need to be in the bay window, setting things right. She'd pushed her luck as far as it would go. Whatever she'd been doing, she was going to have to stop. Last time Maya was suspected of having feelings for Lucas, Riley had uprooted all their friendships for nearly a year. Who knew what she'd do now that Lucas had already made his choice?

No, Maya wasn't going to let that happen. She wasn't about to find out just how thoroughly she could ruin things. She and Lucas had been over for a long time, but now they were going to be over in every possible way. No more stolen moments. No more attempts to get his attention. He would become a person who existed only in her periphery. He would be her friend - there was no way out of that - but only in name.

And yes, it would hurt. But it was nothing Maya couldn't handle. She was well used to it by now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me on tumblr @bellamysgriffin! xx until next time


	4. Drinking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following a Riley-Lucas breakup, things start to spiral out of Maya's control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i meant to post this yesterday, but i genuinely forgot! anyway, there's some good lucaya shit in this chapter and the next chapter will finish it out! i hope y'all like it, make sure to leave a review and let me know what u think :)))))

Was it a surprise to anyone that Maya was good at playing the part? She made up a story. She said she'd been having a creative block with her art and she was scared she was losing herself again, so she tried to course correct by being reckless and she overdid it a little, that was all. And that was why she snapped at Riley, because she was scared Riley was secretly right. But everything was okay because she painted something as soon as she left school and was sorry for worrying anyone.

(She did paint that night. She'd never been more prolific than these past few months.)

It scared Maya a little how easily the lie rolled off her tongue. How easy it was to slip back into the "I don't care about Lucas 'Huckleberry' Friar one bit" facade. But she'd worn it for two years. And Maya liked to think she was doing a good job at correcting her worrisome behavior. When the sorrow was eating at her especially hard, she made sure to laugh harder. If Lucas started to speak when they were all hanging out, she'd start a side conversation with whoever was beside her, talking just loudly enough so she couldn't hear what he was saying.

It was hard, but Maya thought she was pulling it off.

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

Well, until a month later, when Riley and Lucas broke up. At first, Maya was sure there had been a fight. But neither Riley nor Lucas seemed heartbroken and both assured the group that it was the right choice for both of them. You might think this would make Maya feel better, but really, she was more miserable than ever. It was all for nothing. The triangle, the ski lodge, all the loneliness and hopelessness that resulted, just for the hopes of preserving Riley and Lucas' happiness - pointless. And of course, after all Riley and Lucas had been through together, it would be a betrayal to even consider the thought of being with him.

It would have been easier to have remained unphased if Lucas didn't suddenly decide he was allowed to talk to her again. He asked if he could walk her to Chem, if she wanted company in the art studio, texted her jokes about classes they had together, and persisted despite very little encouragement. Maya hated it because she so badly wanted to enjoy it.

So she found a new outlet for her mixed up feelings: parties. Maya figured it was safe, because it was normal for teenagers to party. Still, she tried to exhibit some caution - not with partying, but with letting her friends find out. It wasn't a secret, exactly. But Maya was tired of being jerked around by everyone who claimed to want what was best for her. She wanted to do something for herself and herself only. Getting absolutely wasted was as good a thing as any.

She was able to fly under the radar the first few weekends. But of course, Missy Bradford had to call her name in the cafeteria to ask for the address of Brandon's party on Friday night. When she sat back down, there were five sets of eyes on her. Again.

Lucas spoke before she had time to pick up her fork again. "What was that about?"

Maybe if she said it nonchalantly, they'd drop it. "We ran into each other at a party last weekend. She wanted the address for one tomorrow night."

"You've been going to parties without telling us?" Riley asked, sounding puzzled and a little hurt.

"It's not a big deal, Riles. I didn't think you would mind. I mean, it's not like you guys are the wildest bunch." They couldn't dispute that and Maya knew it. Smackle even nodded in agreement.

"Well, can we come with you tomorrow then?"

Maya blanched. She didn't want to have to babysit her friends while simultaneously making sure she didn't drink enough to worry them. "What if I told you it starts at ten?" she joked, wishing Riley was joking too.

Riley just blinked. There was something serious and meaningful in her eyes, and Maya was scared of it. "We're not kids anymore, Maya. If you're going, I will too. We all will. Right, guys?"

They all nodded their emphatic consent, even Farkle. Maya was cursed with the best friends in the world, friends who refused to let her spiral. Lucky for her, she was stubborn.

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

So she lied. Told them she'd had plans to pregame with Missy so they would have to meet her there. This lie was aided by her previous lie that the party started at ten when it actually started at nine. And of course, there was her advice that they show up thirty minutes late. That gave her an hour and a half to get safely hammered and then sober up enough to ease her friends' minds.

But the first shot hit her like a blast of energy, like it always did, and Maya's mind faded into a blissful trainwreck. This was why she did it. Things were loud enough now to go quiet. And it made her feel good, uninhibited. Maya's daily life was full of concealment and restraint. She wanted a break from feeling the weight of that.

Then Brandon said the fatal words: "Hey, Hart. Your friends got here ten minutes ago. They've been looking for you." It didn't take her long to see them, clustered together by the entrance, looking lost. The only one with a red solo cup in his hand was Zay. As soon as they saw her, they headed right towards her, almost in a single file line. She would have gone towards them, but she was pretty sure she'd stumble on her way over.

Yeah, she was way drunker than she'd intended to be. She saw that same realization spread slowly across her friends' face. Zay and Smackle almost simultaneously - Zay's raised eyebrows and half-amused smile, Smackle's tilted and furrowed brow. Lucas next, with the subtle tightening of his jaw and the way he looked down at the floor. Farkle noticed soon after, looking scared and then embarrassed. Riley realized last and only when Maya spoke. Nothing subtle about her reaction: her entire face fell.

Maya knew, even with her alcohol-addled brain, that it wasn't through lack of knowing Maya that had taken Riley so long to notice, but her abundance of hope. She had come to the party tonight hoping that she would be wrong. She had been hoping she could trust Maya when she said that everything was fine with her.

Because if things were all good, then Maya wouldn't be drinking too much in a room full of people she barely knew. She would be getting tipsy with her friends. There would be no edge to her laughter. She wouldn't have crashed her car. And it wasn't Maya's chosen outlet that worried Riley; she could handle a drunk Maya. It was the realization that for some unknown reason, something inside Maya was broken. Everyone had seen it at first: just a crack, a faultline. But now it had shattered, and Riley didn't know how to fix it.

Maya knew all of this in the moment she locked eyes with Riley. They always knew what the other was thinking. And when the guilt kicked in a moment later, she tried to wash it down with a swig of whiskey, but now it just tasted bitter. And not in a good way. Great. Here was another thing ruined.

She swayed a bit as she pulled the bottle down and there were instantly hands around her waist, steadying her. "I'm fine," she said without opening her eyes. The hands lingered, but fell away. No one had to tell her it was Lucas. She remembered the feel of his touch.

When she opened her eyes, Farkle laughed nervously. "How much have you had, Maya?"

Maya shrugged, keeping her voice determinedly light. "It's a party. What did you guys expect?" She heard what they weren't saying: we didn't expect you to be smashed before we even got here. But they weren't going to say it. They were going to be kind to her and keep it light and pretend everything was normal. That made Maya feel even worse.

Riley remained uncharacteristically quiet, but there was a soft smile on her face. It showed that she was trying. Even Lucas smiled, taking a step closer to her. "Wanna show me around?"

Maya took a step back. She couldn't exactly say no. "Riles? You joining us?"

She shook her head, and Maya couldn't detect any trace of jealousy in her face, as much as she searched for it. "I'm gonna hang back here."

"Zay?" Maya tried next.

"Nah. I gotta babysit these three." He looked guilty, but resolute. Like he was saying, you're on your own, sorry.

"Guess it's just you and me," Lucas said. Maya nodded and wordlessly led the way into the kitchen. She knew this tour was just a guise for spending time with her. Maya wished, more than anything, she could enjoy it. It wasn't just the Riley-Lucas reconciliation Maya knew was coming, though that was part of it. It was the fact that Lucas was trying to get them back to normal. Back to Before. He was relieved, because now everyone could take a deep breath and be friends again. But Maya didn't want that. Maybe she could do it back then when liking Lucas was her secret that no one would ever know.

But she had played her hand and lost the game. He had power over her because she had let him see her. And he'd decided he didn't want what he saw. She'd wished so badly over the past six months for his attention and his friendship. Now she had it, and it just made her feel like crap. Because she didn't have his touch and she didn't have his love. She didn't want to go back to before. It would hurt too much. It might even kill her.

So, once they were in the kitchen, she turned to him and said, "Okay, here's where the booze is, which is really all the tour you need, so I'm gonna go. Have fun, Moral Compass." She then proceeded to down the rest of her drink, stumble just a little, wincing at the burn, and started to head into the living room.

But of course, Lucas cut in front of her, blocking her way.

"Would you move, please?" Maya said, finally.

"You're crazy if you think I'm leaving you alone when you're drunk."

"I wish you would."

"Wish I'd what?"

"Leave me alone," she said, brushing past him, but he caught her arm.

"Hey, what's wrong with you?" He looked concerned. He wasn't looking anywhere other than her. She loved it.

She hated it. "You're what's wrong with me!" Any facade had fallen away. She was completely uninhibited. Maya could thank the whiskey for that. And though she knew as she was speaking that she would regret every word in the morning, she kept going. "You keep following me around and trying to talk to me!"

"Because we're friends!" He had to speak loudly over the music - or maybe he was yelling too.

"Yeah? And what about when you get back together with Riley?"

Lucas shook his head, still holding on to her arm. "We're not going to get back together." Maya laughed and it was a mean sound. "And what does that have to do with you and me?"

"Everything, Lucas! It has everything to do with us." She broke free of his grip and practically stormed into the living room, but Lucas followed her. There was something almost exhilarating about this, as painful as it was.

"Will you stop running away?" he said, and she whirled around to face him, fighting tears.

"No! I can't do this with you, Lucas. I can't keep pretending that everything's fine, like just seeing you everyday doesn't kill me inside. And I can't keep pretending that we can just go back to before Texas when everything was easy because it fucking wasn't! It might have been for you, but it wasn't for me."

Lucas took her arm again, leaning in close and speaking dangerously low. "I don't want to go back to before. What do you want?"

She ripped her arm away. "I want you to leave me alone."

And then, before he could say anything else, Maya turned on her heel and shoved her way through the crowd until she found who she was looking for. She threw her arms around Riley's neck, praying that even though everything had changed, her best friend's touch would still comfort her when she was at her most lost, her most confused. It did. It always did.

"I miss you," Maya said, trying desperately not to cry.

"I'm right here," Riley said with a giggle. The best sound in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall can find me on tumblr @bellamysgriffin. if u have a fic request for lucaya u can drop it there xx


	5. Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maya has three very important conversations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this final update is so late, i definitely meant to post it earlier, but life gets in the way sometimes. it's so crazy how i worked on this story for about half a year and it's over in a couple of weeks! that always shocks me with every fanfiction i post. this one is dear to my heart, and one of the angstier gmw ones i've written. 
> 
> if you would like to leave a comment letting me know how you like it, i would really appreciate that. if you already have, just know that you are the reason i keep posting. there's nothing more discouraging than posting your work and getting no encouragement, so i want to thank every commenter for not letting that happen. 
> 
> i'll probably be taking a little break from lucaya fic, but i will be back, don't worry. until then, it's been a great ride. xx

Not long after her fight with Lucas, her friends cut her off and even shorter after that, they left. Lucas, of course, was the designated driver, but he was kind enough to drop her off first. Without even showering or changing her clothes, she fell into bed and didn't wake until almost noon the next day with the worst hangover of her life.

She would be hard-pressed to think of something she didn't regret from last night. If she'd had her way, she wouldn't have to see anyone ever again. So of course her mom knocked on her door and said, "Maya? There's someone here to see you."

"What?" Maya sat up, instantly making her head pound harder.

"I told him he could come in." Him?

"No! Tell him I'm sick!"

Her mom laughed. "Baby girl, I know a hangover when I see one. Consider this your punishment." Maya groaned, realizing she was still in her clothes from last night. It was too late to change, and therefore too late to pretend she wasn't a mess, because she heard her mom say, "She's up. You can head in."

Maya closed her eyes so she wouldn't have to see him come in, but she still heard footsteps and an amused voice saying, "Wow. You look like shit."

She opened her eyes. "What are you doing here, Zay?"

"What, I can't just come say hi to my favorite trainwreck?" He came over to the bed and sat down. "I brought you a hangover remedy, courtesy of Mrs. Babineaux." That managed to soften Maya's glare a little.

"Tell her I said thank you," she said, taking a long sip.

Zay waited until her mouth was full until revealing his real reason for coming. "We need to talk."

Maya swallowed, already dreading the conversation ahead of her. "Oh no, are you breaking up with me?"

"I'm serious," he said, and Zay was never serious. So she sighed and let herself be open to whatever he had to say, even though she had a feeling she wouldn't like it. "This has to stop."

"It was just a party -"

"I'm not talking about the drinking. You weren't just letting off steam, you were miserable last night."

"So I had a bad night. So what? That doesn't mean -"

"Maya, please don't do your friends the insult of pretending like they don't know you. Do you think we haven't been paying attention the last four months?"

Despite herself, some tears sprang to Maya's eyes. She tried her hardest to blink them away. She felt like she'd failed. She hadn't wanted Riley to know anything was wrong. She hadn't wanted anyone to. So when she spoke, she kept her voice steady. "Nothing is going on with me."

"Will you stop?" Zay said, and Maya looked at him, the concern in his eyes, the stubbornness. The love. She was overwhelmed by how much she loved him and how much she missed him. "Why do you feel like you have to lie to me?" She couldn't answer that without giving too much away. And he knew it. "Is it because you don't want anyone to know you still love Lucas?"

And the tears started to fall. "That's part of it," she admitted, and it felt so good to say it out loud, finally. It surprised her when she realized that she wasn't afraid to find out he knew.

"And the other part?"

"Everyone said I had to go back to who I was before I knew Lucas. I don't know how to be her anymore. Not in a way that doesn't almost kill me." She waited for him to laugh or respond, but he just kept looking at her. So she kept speaking. "Every time I felt like I liked him, I used to make fun of him. But now, I can't - I mean, Riley knows what that means now. And I couldn't let her think I still had feelings for him. So everything I've been doing - I've just been trying to distract myself."

"From Lucas?"

"From everything."

"And that's why you've been avoiding us?"

"I haven't been avoiding you guys. I've been there every time you made plans."

"You haven't really, though. Not in the same way."

Maya felt the urge to defend herself. Now that she was being heard, she wanted to be understood. "It's just that you guys wanted to be part of everything. I just wanted something that was only mine."

Zay looked away. "Sounds like you have pretty shitty friends if they're ruining your life by trying to be part of it."

It was hard for Maya to realize that maybe it wasn't just Lucas she had been hurting. "You know that's not it."

He looked up and nodded. "I know," he said, and his voice was full of understanding. "I get it. But even if you felt you had to hide it from Riley, you didn't have to hide it from me."

"I couldn't risk it. I needed her to believe me. And you don't exactly have the best track record for keeping secrets."

"Look, if Riley believed you, it's because she wanted to," Zay said. Maya winced and looked down. "Like it or not, your friends know you. Better than you think they do."

There was a moment of silence before Maya sighed. "I need to talk to Riley, don't I?"

Zay nodded. "And then you need to talk to Lucas. Y'all got in this mess by keeping secrets. It's time for everyone to be honest with each other."

"But what if I ruin everything?"

"If the past year has taught us anything, it's that you and Riley can survive anything."

"And me and Lucas?"

Zay stood up, heading towards the door. "I think you'll be surprised." Before leaving, he turned back to her with his characteristic shit-eating grin. "I'd drink that whole smoothie if I were you. Today will be enough of a headache without a hangover on the side."

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

It had been a long time since Maya had felt nervous climbing into Riley's window, but her nerves settled as soon as Riley met her with that pleased, unsurprised smile. "Peaches! You feeling any better?"

"Yeah, Riles, I am," she said, surprising herself by meaning it. "But I need to talk to you."

Riley's eyes widened a little but the smile never left her face. "Of course."

"I haven't been honest with you guys lately. I…" It was hard to continue, to even know where to start. She decided to go back to where it began. Back to the first thing to break her. "You told me I turned into you. And for a while, I thought I had. But I kept trying to be who I was before, and it was like it didn't fit anymore. I guess that's where the recklessness comes in. I might have overcompensated a little."

"A little?" Riley said, and Maya met her eyes with a tentative smile. Riley held her gaze for a moment longer before she leaned back and sighed. "I only ever want to do what's best by you. But I didn't, did I?"

"Riley…" Maya had to stop herself from reassuring Riley like she always did. Zay was right when he said this would be hard. "I didn't want to let you down," she whispered, her voice catching.

"Let me down, Maya. Disappoint me. I can take it." Riley's eyes were so kind. Maya felt buried under the weight under so much love. But in a good way, like she was safe. Riley went on. "Neither of us are the people we used to be. You need to be whoever you are. And I need to let you."

Already Maya felt herself opening, feeling okay for the first time in ages. But there was still one thing left unsaid. "There's something else." She looked down at her hands, which were starting to shake, just a little. "I thought I was over Lucas. But I'm not. I haven't been for a long time." There. She'd said it. The worst was over. But she didn't feel alright until Riley's hand slid over her shaking one.

"I'm really glad you told me. I can't tell you how close I was to confronting you about it. I'm still working on that."

Maya looked up. "You knew?"

"I know you, Maya. Of course I knew. I think I always did, even if I didn't want to admit it to myself." She squeezed Maya's hand and moved closer. Before Riley's mouth even opened, Maya knew whatever she said next would be something she'd remember all her life. "I once told you that you'd get everything you wanted out of life. And I meant it. You want Lucas? Go get him."

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

What Maya did next might be what one would call a leap of faith. That wasn't what it felt like, though. It felt like, after a long time spent falling, finally hitting the ground. That painful, that final, and that much of a relief. She had to steel herself to knock on the door of the boy she loved and try and be brave enough to tell him the truth. It was that simple, but that was no small thing. It would take every ounce of bravery she had in her body. Luckily, whether she knew it or not, Maya Hart had nothing if not courage.

It was sunny out, and though she was still hungover, Maya felt grateful for it. It felt like she could be made new again. A song started playing in her headphones, a Simon and Garfunkel song with soft guitars that she hadn't listened to in a really long time. For the first time in almost a year, she had no urge to skip it or turn it up to a deafening volume. She just let it wash over her. It was a hopeful song. Maya wondered if she was ready to feel that again.

She knocked on the door.

(When Lucas opened it, his first feeling was not one of surprise. That would come in a moment. Instead, he was struck by how beautiful she looked in the early spring sunshine, headphones in her ears and the hint of a smile on her face. And with only one glance, he somehow got the feeling that something within her had changed, or maybe returned. The surprise did come, but even then, it was overshadowed by the certainty that he'd had for months, years, since they'd locked eyes in the subway, that she would find her way here in the end.)

"You feeling better?" he said, his face betraying no recognition of how strange it was to find her on his doorstep, as if this happened all the time. Maya wished she knew what he was thinking.

"You could say that," she shrugged. And then she grinned. "You wanna take a walk with me, Hopalong?"

And when he grinned back, he didn't have to say anything. Maya may not have known what he was thinking, but she understood exactly how he felt.

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

They didn't say anything as they walked. It seemed they both knew there would be a lot to talk about in just a few moments. She let him lead her to a bench. He sat on one end, she sat on the other. And for what she was about to say, it would be easier not to look at him. "You broke my heart." Not an accusation. Not a demand for an apology. Just the truth. Whatever it was to her.

Lucas responded with the earnestness she loved so much. "I didn't mean to."

"I know."

"You've been breaking mine too."

Maya grinned. "I know I have. These past few months -"

"I'm not talking about these past few months."

Oh. "What are you talking about then?"

"Do you remember when you crawled in Riley's window covered in purple paint and told me that my choice didn't matter?" Of course she remembered. She remembered everything. "I was going to pick you, Maya," he said. Like it was simple. Like it was obvious. Maya thought she had that whole week figured out. God knows she'd relived it enough times. But the first thing out of Lucas' mouth changed everything. "I guess," he said, "I took that as a sign."

Maya kept her voice carefully even when she asked, "So that's why you didn't pick me?"

"That, and I got the feeling that if I had you would never have forgiven me."

"No, I probably wouldn't have." Because she would never have forgiven anyone who hurt Riley. Never.

"Besides, I liked Riley too. I really thought I did. Riley made sense. I could already feel you pushing me away, and I couldn't get this decision wrong or I'd destroy all of us. But I did get it wrong. And it only destroyed you. Or it almost did."

They were on the precipice of something and Maya knew it and Lucas knew it too. All Maya needed to do now was jump, one final, tremendous act of courage. "You got it wrong?"

To her surprise, Lucas laughed. "Of course I did. Haven't you figured that out by now? Maybe it had always been Riley, but it was always going to be you."

Sometimes, even things that were complicated were very simple. She knew how she felt about Lucas. And now, she knew how he felt about her. She wondered if, in a way, she'd always known. But there could be no doubt now. So the question was, what was she going to do about it?

She could protect herself, hide her heart away, not let anyone close enough to hurt her. She could shut him out of her life. She could say goodbye. But there was another option. There always had been. She was tired of risking her life to avoid risking her heart. The only one standing in her way now was herself.

So Maya could run. Or she could take Lucas' hand, rough and warm and gentle in hers, and jump. She was his and he was hers. But she wanted to say it out loud.

Maya moved close to him, finally crossing the distance between them that had once seemed unbridgeable. "You gonna break my heart again?' he whispered.

"Probably," Maya said. "Are you gonna let me?"

"Only if you don't do it on purpose."

"I promise I won't," she said softly, with the gleam of love in her eyes and her heart, where it should be, in her hand, the one that was holding his. She had to make the final jump, scarier than crashing her car or falling from trees, and kiss him. The first time she'd ever kissed anyone like she meant it. Pain was easier than bravery. But kissing Lucas was one of the easiest things she'd ever done. It was soft and slow. It felt like the beginning and end of everything.

"If I had kissed you at that campfire, there would never have been a choice at all," Lucas said as he pulled away, breathless.

"I'm glad you didn't."

"Yeah?" he said, with a gentle smile on his face. "Why's that?"

"Because it brought us here." She touched her forehead to his. "You scared, Huckleberry?"

"Yeah, I'm scared."

"Good," she said. Her smile was beautiful and automatic. Her joy was bright and shocking. And he was hers. And she could say it. "Me too. What do you say we face our fears?"

And so, for the first time a long time, Maya wasn't running from something. She was running towards it, hand in hand with the boy she loved, who wasn't going to let her take the plunge alone. She was still scared of the future. Maybe she always would be. But right now, in this gorgeous, sunlit moment, she knew that she couldn't wait to get there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me on tumblr @bellamysgriffin. if u want to send me prompts there, feel free :)

**Author's Note:**

> you can find me on tumblr @bellamysgriffin xx


End file.
